Coming Out as Bisexual to Your Therapist
Should you come out to your therapist as bisexual? Coming out is a deeply personal experience and it comes with different challenges. For many of us bisexual people, sharing this part of ourselves can be especially tricky. When it comes to therapy, being open about your sexuality has some serious benefits. This guide aims to help queer adults navigate the process of coming out to their therapist. We’ll highlight the risks and advantages of taking this step and provide practical advice to make it as smooth as possible.
My Coming Out Story
Speaking for myself as a bisexual woman, I’ve gotten a range of responses when I’ve come out to my healthcare providers. Blank stares sometimes. Also some vague nodding, some furrowed brows. A few times it has been painful and awkward. I’ve written about the first time I came out to a therapist, and he met me with some casual and blatant biphobia. That response stung. Getting dismissed and shut down by his reaction felt like a slap in the face. Especially because at the time I was still sorting out what it meant to me to be bi.
In the years since I stopped working with that therapist, I keep risking it. I keep telling therapists and doctors and gynecologists and most of the rest of my healthcare team about this part of me. Mostly because it’s medically or psychologically relevant info for them to have. Partly because I want to know that I can trust them with my vulnerable parts. If you don’t see me for my full bisexual self, then you don’t get to treat me.
It’s important to note, however, that my socioeconomic status plays a role in how comfortable I feel naming my identity to my healthcare team. I’ve never lost access to the providers I need because of coming out to them as bisexual, and the fact that I’m white is probably part of that. Also, I live in a major city. Would I be able to find another provider if I lost mine and I lived in a rural area? Adding on to that, many people have to choose a therapist based on who takes their insurance. That adds another complication. You may not have so many potential therapists to choose from, if you are up against any of these barriers. So in talking about whether to come out as bi to your therapist, we also need to talk about who is safe to make that decision, and who faces greater risks.
The Benefits of Coming Out To Your Therapist
We’ve talked about some of the risks. Now let’s get into the advantages. After all, this can feel like a hard conversation to have. What is the point of having it? What are the benefits of being honest with your therapist about this part of your life?
Strengthening the Therapeutic Relationship
If you don’t feel like you can trust your therapist, the truth is you’re not going to get very far in therapy. And that’s why one of the key reasons to come out to your therapist is to build a more genuine and powerful therapeutic relationship. Therapy is most beneficial when you're open about your experiences, feelings, and identity. If you skip over or downplay your sexual orientation, you might miss out on the chance to explore significant parts of your life. Ignoring parts of your identity in therapy might affect your mental health and your well-being.
Being Acknowledged and Supported
Having your bisexuality recognized and supported by your therapist can feel incredibly validating. Plus, from the therapist’s perspective, it allows us to build a more comprehensive understanding of your experiences and what you’re up against. Several times in getting to know a new client I have felt like I was missing a crucial piece of the puzzle. Once they trusted me with information about their identity, I felt like I had a better understanding of their full mental health picture. Validation of your sexual orientation can also create a stronger sense of trust and safety. With that foundation in place, it might feel easier to delve into deeper issues and do the painful work of healing.
How to Come Out to Your Therapist
Self-Reflection: Are You Ready for This?
The first step is to take some time to assess your willingness and your comfort level. What concerns or fears come up when you think about having this conversation with your therapist? Reflect on any doubts you might have. One option to get you in a reflective headspace is to journal on the subject. This self-reflection will help you approach the choice of whether to come out with more clarity and confidence.
Research: Ensure Your Therapist is LGBTQ-Friendly.
Has your therapist earned this information from you? Have they shown you that they are someone it is safe to be yourself with? Not all therapists are equally knowledgeable or supportive of LGBTQ+ issues. I’ve written in a separate article about how to determine if your therapist is LGBTQ+ friendly. Look for signs like pride flags in their office and inclusive language on their website. In addition, keep an eye out for mention of queer trainings or specializations, and positive reviews from other queer clients. If you're unsure, don't hesitate. You can ask your therapist directly about their experience with LGBTQ+ clients.
Plan What You Want to Say.
Preparing what to say can make the conversation smoother. Think about how you want to put your bisexuality into words. Are there any specific points you want to cover? You might start with a simple statement like, "I want to tell you something about my identity. It’s important to me. I am bisexual." Imagining how this conversation might start ahead of time helps you feel more in control.
Accept A Lack Of Control Over Their Reaction.
We’ll talk a bit further down about the wide range of responses you might be met with. I want to be clear with you: whatever response your therapist has to you coming out to them is not actually about you. It’s about them. It is not your fault if they have an abrasive reaction, or if they fumble their words. It is not anything you have done wrong. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to share parts of your story with your therapist. I wish I could guarantee that they will respond respectfully and with joy about this exciting part of your life. Unfortunately, there are still biphobic and prejudiced people out there practicing as therapists. This step in the process is to accept that whatever reaction they have is out of your control.
Choose the Right Moment. Timing is important.
You can bring up your sexuality early in the therapy relationship, like in the intake process. Or you can set aside a specific session dedicated to discussing your identity. Alternatively, you can wait until you’re discussing related topics. You might prefer to wait until you know the therapist a little better. In that case, pay attention to the flow of your therapy sessions. Look for a moment when you feel calm and the session isn't rushed. If you are already talking with your therapist about relationships or identity questions, it might be a natural segue.
Consider Bringing Up The Conversation at the Top of The Hour.
If your therapist often starts with a check-in, this might be a good time to bring up being bi. You might signal to them that you have something important to share. Remember, there’s no perfect moment. Don’t get stuck into a procrastination loop, waiting for that one perfectly comfortable and easy day. If you happen upon a moment that feels good enough, go for it.
What to Expect During the Conversation
There are a range of possible reactions to your coming out. Let’s get into some of the more common responses from therapists, and how to handle each one.
Potential Therapist Reactions
Therapists are trained to handle sensitive topics. A supportive therapist will respond with empathy and acceptance. That’s the bare minimum. Your therapist might ask questions to better understand. They might provide affirmations of support. My all-time favorite reaction I’ve gotten from therapists was excitement. One therapist I felt really comfortable with bounced in her seat and we laughed about her joy. A quality therapist will prioritize your well-being and work to hold a safe space for you.
Handling Negative Reactions
It is not guaranteed that your therapist will respond well. Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, there are still prejudiced or biphobic therapists out there. You might be met with dismissal. They might reject the idea or say something bigoted to you. I wish I could protect you from that.
If this does happen to you, remember that their bigotry or small-mindedness is not a reflection of you. There is nothing wrong with being honest about this part of yourself. There’s nothing wrong with this part of you. Honestly, your therapist’s belief system is not your problem to solve. You don’t owe them an explanation or a polite response if you don’t want to give one.
If your therapist does have a bad reaction, the next step is to decide if you want to keep working with them. It might be time to end the relationship and try to find a different therapist, one who respects this part of your story. You are well within your rights to say “thank you for your time” and then walk right out of there! It’s fine to stop working with therapists who don’t accept you. You deserve better.
If you do want to keep working with them, it might help to talk to them about how they reacted, and how that response impacted you. You might say something like "I felt uncomfortable with your reaction." Or "I need more support from you about this. I felt unheard.” Be mindful of how they handle being told about your discomfort. Are they better able to validate this part of you once you bring it up again? Your mental health is too important to settle for less-than-affirming care. I don’t recommend sticking it out with a therapist who makes you feel small or invisible.
Common Fears About Coming Out
It's totally normal to have fears about coming out, even to a therapist. Common concerns include fear of invalidation, judgment, or misunderstanding. You might worry about how your therapist will perceive you. In addition, you might be concerned whether they have the necessary knowledge to support you effectively. And those fears are based in reality. The sad truth is that many therapists don’t have adequate training in working with LGBTQ+ people. In fact, according to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Psychotherapy Research, many mental health providers reported having relatively little training in LGBTQ+ specific issues. In fact, some therapists are disrespectful of bisexuality as a sexual orientation. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25869592/
Avoiding the Topic of Bisexuality
You may find yourself avoiding the topic of your sexuality, perhaps due to these fears. In the case of bisexuality, many of us face discrimination or misunderstanding from within the queer community and beyond. Another barriers is the lack of validation, which may teach us to be ashamed of this part of ourselves. Shame might be getting in the way too. It is a possibility that you can get good work done in therapy while holding back significant parts of your life. That said, holding back makes therapy much harder. Your sexual orientation may be more relevant to the challenges you want to work on than you realize. You may be cutting yourself off from feeling comfortable and understood.
Addressing Your Concerns With Your Therapist
If you’ve brought up your bisexuality and found that it is never mentioned again, don’t hesitate to address that directly. Open communication is beneficial to effective therapy. You might say, "I feel like my sexuality isn’t being acknowledged enough." Or you could try "I need more support in exploring my identity." If your therapist is receptive to that, they can adjust their approach. You’ll end up with therapy that better meets your needs.
Coming out to your therapist is one way to surround yourself with people who understand and accept you. That can significantly improve your overall well-being. In addition to therapy, building a supportive network of friends and allies is important for mental health resilience. Community support is invaluable. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be empowering. Ask around about other people’s experiences of coming out to their therapists.
Conclusion
Coming out to your therapist as bisexual is one step towards building a more authentic and supportive therapy relationship. By being open about being bi, you can ensure your mental health needs are fully addressed, and share relevant parts of your story with a provider who understands you.You deserve to feel seen and supported in every aspect of your life, including therapy.