How to Make Queer Friends in NYC: Forming Queer Community
Finding queer friendships can be both exhilarating and challenging in a city the size of New York. Queer friendship plays a critical role in creating acceptance and belonging. For many LGBTQ+ people, forming queer community with friends who have similar experiences or fresh perspectives can provide a space for validation and self-expression. In a place as culturally rich and diverse as New York City, forging meaningful connections within the queer community can enrich our lives in countless ways. As a therapist specializing in LGBTQ+ issues, I understand the importance of building supportive connections, especially for queer adults building a life in NYC.
Challenges and Opportunities in Making Queer Friends in NYC
I remember struggling to build a dream close-knit squad of fellow LGBTQ+ people at first: it was lonely out there. I wanted a group of best friends to navigate the coming out process with and to share the celebration of finding ourselves! And just when I had built up that network of supportive friendships up for myself, I decided to move to a new city. Having NYC as a backdrop, with its buffet of dazzling opportunities and social events, added pressure.
FOMO comes for everyone, on top of the unique challenges that LGBTQ+ individuals face when seeking friendships. Barriers can range from a sense of isolation to experiences of rejection, and on top of that, you have the awkwardness of maneuvering in the complex social dynamics of queer spaces. In addition, NYC has a large transient culture, with people moving in and then moving out of the city frequently. That can make it difficult to build long-lasting friendships as well. This article offers some of the strategies and mindset I would have wanted to know when I first came out, as a gift to my past self and hopefully as a helpful guide to the fulfilling and frustrating work of making queer friends in NYC.
Understanding the Dynamics of Queer Friendship
At the heart of loneliness and longing for closeness lies the shared experience and struggles that connect us as a community. I’m not just talking about coming out; navigating relationships, confronting discrimination, and figuring out how to get friends to respect your boundaries, all of these are shared experiences that can foster solidarity and empathy among LGBTQ+ people. In NYC, the city of a million different perspectives, these shared experiences offer a powerful foundation for forming friendships that last.
It’s not effective to pretend that the LGBTQ+ community is a monolith. When we view the community as it is (a tapestry of intersecting identities and experiences) rather than as one uniform thing, we can make space for diverse racial, cultural, and socioeconomic backgrounds. I want to enrich our definition of queer friendship and hold onto inclusivity as a value, and I think that work starts with embracing intersectionality. In a 2014 collection of personal essays, bell hooks spoke about how having friendships helps us navigate differences, particularly racial differences, saying that friendships are places where people can “engage in open critical dialogue with one another... debate and discuss without fear of emotional collapse, [and] hear and know one another in the differences and complexities of our experience.”
Overcoming Isolation and Building Support Networks
Finding solitude and peace within a bustling city like NYC requires isolating yourself from the press of people. And then too much isolation leaves us feeling friendless and lost in the crowd. For LGBTQ+ people, feeling lonesome can be particularly strong, especially if one lacks a network of friends that are supportive. Here is how to actively seek out queer-friendly spaces and communities, so that we can build support networks and carve out meaningful connections.
Strategies for Making Queer Friends in NYC
Explore LGBTQ+ Spaces and Events
Attending queer events like drag shows, RuPaul’s Drag Race viewing parties, or pride celebrations is an excellent option if you want to meet new people with the goal of expanding your social circle. The difficulty of living in NYC with its vibrant LGBTQ+ scene is that it’s easy to procrastinate putting in an appearance at the flood of bars, clubs, or social venues designed for queer people. From iconic landmarks steeped in history like the Stonewall Inn to hidden gems tucked away in Brooklyn's neighborhoods like Fiona’s Bar in Flatbush, there will always be another bigger, gayer event you could be going to in the future. This can be an excuse to avoid the event that is happening right then. How can you motivate yourself to make it out to these spaces that serve as hubs for finding people? One option is to choose a particular event you’d like to attend and then mention on a website like Meetup, Lex, or even Reddit that you are going ahead of time, to open up the possibility of finding someone to go with.
Utilize Online Platforms and Apps
Whether it's Lex, Bumble BFF, or HER, online platforms and apps have become invaluable tools for connecting with other queer adults. They offer a convenient way to meet potential friends and romantic partners. Bumble BFF is useful for friends because the boundary is clear up front that you are looking for platonic friendships rather than romance.
Navigate Dating Apps for Friendship
That said, one of the best parts about being queer is that we do not have to subscribe to dichotomies like platonic and romantic. If you like that boundary blurred, Lex or HER might be a better option. The tech website Android Police has a great breakdown of the different dating apps queer people use, if that seems like the option for you.
Finding your Third Space
One of the most effective ways to meet like-minded people is by doing something you enjoy like a hobby or interest that you would be doing on your own anyway. María Saldana wrote about this concept for the LGBT magazine Them. While the article, “How Do I Make Meaningful Queer Community in a New City?” is not specifically about NYC, many of its tips apply. As Saldana puts it, “ironically, the key is redirecting the energy you are pouring outward and turning it back to you. In my experience, the more I put effort into enjoying myself, the more ease I feel when approaching people.”
One of my favorite things about this city is the specificity of the niche interests you can find. Off the top of my head, these are ones I can personally recommend or have had recommended to me:
Nerdy Options
Punderdome, monthly pun competition for dad jokes
Queer board game night at the Brooklyn Strategist
Values-Driven Options
Planet Over Profit, a climate justice group with events in NYC
A workshop on archiving your photos with a focus on preserving Palestinian and SWANA cultural memory
Athletic Options
Queer softball league
Queer Pickle Open Play, a queer pickle ball league.
Peer Support Groups Catering To Your Niche
Bi+ peer support group at The Center
Peer support group for Russian-speaking queer folks
Art Options
Nude figure drawing class at the Brooklyn LGBT Community Center
Queer country line dancing at the Brooklyn Bowl and the Meadows
Additionally, volunteering for LGBTQ+ causes or attending workshops and seminars can help you meet people with similar values and aspirations. Black and Pink is one organization I recommend connecting with, if you are interested in prison abolition and in supporting LGBTQ+ people within the criminal punishment system.
Another helpful approach to finding a hobby or interest that excites you would be to search borough by borough, or to see what is available in your particular neighborhood, and work outward from them. While Chelsea and Bushwick have the reputation of being queer hubs, there is something gay going on in every neighborhood in the city, another of my top things about living here.
How Do I Stay Motivated?
As you can see from these examples, the difficulty is not a lack of options- there are too many for any one person to possibly attend them all. Instead, the difficulty is in motivating ourselves to actually attend them. How do you continually motivate yourself to go in the first place, and to keep going week after week? I teach my clients the DBT skill Opposite Action, because that’s the skill I use in my own life when the last thing I want to do is put myself out there for purposes of making new friends.
Opposite Action entails figuring out the emotion that takes over when we lose our motivation. For me, it’s typically hopelessness, because it just feels like I’ll never have the perfect friend group I dream of. Then, you figure out what the action urge of that emotion is, which is a fancy way of saying what that emotion makes you want to do. For me, hopelessness makes me want to ghost my friends, stay home, and watch my comfort sitcom of the week. The next step is to figure out the polar opposite of that urge, and then do that. So the opposite of ghosting and staying home is being the one to reach out first, putting effort into my outfit, showing up when the event begins and staying there even after I have the urge to drag myself back home. Opposite Action has best results if you put your whole body into it; throwing myself into outfit planning and getting out the door on time with my posture and the words I use and every ounce of spirit I have in my body. I don’t deny the emotion at any point. I’m still very much feeling hopeless. I’m just getting my body moving out the door anyway, hopelessness and all, and throwing myself into it. For more info on using DBT skills, this page is a great starting point to learn how DBT works.
To wrap this up: navigating queer friendship in the bustling heart of NYC is a painful challenge and at the same time a rare opportunity. If connection and community is what you seek, the hard work of making friends has to get done. There is hope and you can build a supportive network of friends who empower and uplift you and call you on your nonsense. Embrace the discomfort of the journey, cherish the connections you make along the way, and have grace for how long it takes. That way, you can truly celebrate the transformative power of building queer friendship in New York. If you can build friendships here; you can do it anywhere.