5 steps to friendship: Forming queer community
The importance of building a strong and supportive queer community cannot be overstated. For us in the LGBTQ+ community, finding a sense of belonging and connection is crucial for navigating the complexities of identity and relationships. However, building such a community can come with its own set of challenges, from overcoming internalized shame to traveling huge swaths of land. In this article, we'll explore five actionable steps that can help you in forming queer community, one that is grounded in authenticity, inclusivity, and mutual care.
When I picture queer communities, what comes to my mind is marching in the giant crowds in San Francisco Pride Parade, trying a new lesbian bar called Dorothy’s in Chicago, or volunteering at a community center in New York City. What’s one thing all these experiences have in common? The urban backdrop. The fact that the queer community only gathers in big cities is a cliche for a reason. The assumption is that big cities attract bigger crowds of queer people. This can leave rural members of our community out in the cold. What does “building community” look like in a heavily religious small town, for instance? And if we look at intersecting identities, how does this work if you are older, or sober, or have a disability? These factors can present barriers to cultivating a strong LGBTQ+ community.
Kat Carrick and Ntlotleng Mabena explore this topic in their article “Organizing against social isolation: Older lesbians in rural communities.” This essay, published in Bodies and Barriers: Queer Activists on Health, explores stories like the following. One lesbian woman in her 70’s was in an assisted living facility in rural Arkansas. She left a supportive queer community in Vermont, in order to live in a heavily conservative and religious town in Arkansas. She knew several lesbians in the town, and older male friends from her facility would drive her to local AA meetings. Outside of those relationships her support network was pretty limited. As is true for many older people, she faced serious financial barriers as well, living on $812 a month from social security.
These factors- poverty, geographic isolation, conservative towns, and having difficulty accessing queer spaces like bars or clubs centered around alcohol- are by no means rare. What are some options for building community if you are up against those barriers?
Step One: Building Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion
Begin to build a strong queer community with yourself. Start with self-acceptance and self-compassion, and build outwards. This means acknowledging and embracing your own identity, whether that be your gender identity, your sexual-orientation, or being part of the poly, kink, or queer communities. Whether you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, or any other label under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, start by affirming your own experiences. In order to reach out to other people, and to follow-up with them consistently, you have to have a well to draw from in the belief that you are worth connecting with.
Not sure how? Self-compassion has a crucial role to play in this process. Focus on treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when faced with challenges or setbacks. Let’s normalize how hard it can be to drop self-critical thoughts and release negative judgments. It may help to pretend at first; imagine that you are a person worthy of being taken care of, even if you don’t feel that way about yourself.
The reality is that every living human deserves compassion, on the basis of being a living human. If you find yourself struggling with self-acceptance, consider seeking support from a therapist or joining a group to connect with others who may be doing their best in similar experiences. You can reach out and schedule a consult with me here, or read more about the impact that LGBTQ+ friendly therapy can have here.
Step Two: Finding the Right Events
Studies from Social Psychology inform us that activities with a common goal are more helpful for building bridges than games that pit opponents against each other. One effective way to build community is by seeking out spaces and events specifically designed for queer people. You might begin your search with LGBTQ+ clubs, community centers, or pride events. I recommend a board game night for finding a workable balance between competing and working together, in service of building connections. Let’s take a moment to honor the potluck dinner, or as Carrick and Mabena put it in their article, “the backbone of lesbian gatherings.” More and more religious communities are identifying themselves as “affirmative spaces.” PFLAG groups are not limited to big cities.
Explore diverse interests.
Bear in mind: the queer community is not one set thing, and neither are you. In order to find a group of people doing things you enjoy, you may have to take some time to explore unknown hobbies or new sports. Not every activity you try will be a good fit, so let’s pause for a moment and practice accepting the truth that you may have to strike out a few times before you find your people. I shudder remembering one time I pushed myself to try a new writer’s group at an LGBTQ+ community center. I didn’t do my research beforehand, and ended up intruding on a closed group of novelists working on their projects, who did not take kindly to someone new showing up, without RSVPing. Whoops!
Chalk that one up to good practice tolerating uncomfortable situations, and be that much better prepared for the next try. My point here is that there are many unexpected ways to connect with others while pursuing what excites you. Whether it's joining a queer sports league, attending a drag show, or participating in a queer book club, there are as many groups trying as many different hobbies as there are websites on the internet.
Step Three: Cultivating Inclusivity and Intersectionality
Building a strong LGBTQ+ community also means being committed to inclusivity. When planning an event, consider providing transportation options, without assuming that everyone has access or ability to drive a vehicle. Plan for the possibility of overnight stays, factoring in whether roads are safe to drive at night, and what daily medications your attendees might need to pack spares of just in case. Keeping events accessible is key.
With rural queer communities tending towards the small, be mindful of who you may be excluding with in-person locations for meeting up. In their article, Kat Carrick and Ntlotleng Mabena mentioned one lesbian music festival that nailed down carpets, nap side up, to create a more accessible pathway. Providing translators or ASL interpreters can help link you up to other members of the community.
Take the time to educate yourself.
Be mindful of the experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals from diverse backgrounds, including people of color. Holding onto the perspective of intersectionality, which acknowledges that our identities are complex and interconnected, will help queer people from diverse backgrounds feel welcomed and included. This might mean naming how racial biases and privileges play out within the queer community. It’s a mistake to think that there are no instances of racism or prejudice perpetuated by LGBTQ+ people. Curating an inclusive community requires active work to take down systems of oppression.
Step Four: Supporting Other Members of our Queer Community
Without making this feel transactional, let’s acknowledge that the point of community is not just what it can provide for you, but what you bring to the table to help others. You do not have to create LGBTQ+ community entirely from the ground up. Reframe the thought “I have to build this myself” to “I have to join and strengthen the networks that are already there.” Forming a robust queer community involves supporting others. What would this look like for you?
This could mean providing a listening ear to a friend in need, volunteering for a queer organizations like Gay for Good or advocacy groups, or simply living as a visible and vocal ally in your everyday life. There could be opportunities for mentorship or leadership within the community that make sense for you. Maybe it’s mentoring a younger queer person who feels lost in their identity, or volunteering at a homeless shelter. There are countless ways to create community based on giving back.
Step Five: Getting Online
The deeper you go into the search engine of your choice, the more there is to find. Be aware that there is often a financial cost to joining a queer group. Not everything is accessible for free and depending on your financial situation you may get boxed out of certain opportunities. For more affordable resources, you might try Lesbian Connection, a forum and magazine with worldwide offerings. The Bi Resource Center has links to state-by-state resources for making connections.
Whether it’s online or in person, building any kind of authentic connection is going to require some vulnerability. Being open and honest about your experiences and fears is only going to help you make real relationships. If you can take the risk of allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you can create space for genuine connections to flourish.
How can you use social media to make fulfilling connections? Social media often prioritizes quantity over quality, and can lead to a score-keeping mindset that emphasizes number of interactions over emotional depth of interactions. Taking the time to strengthen genuine relationships might mean letting go of some more surface-level connections. Be mindful of how you devote your time on social media. Seek out people who share your values and interests, and invest time and energy into nurturing those connections, rather than trying to make your follower count go up.
Building a strong queer community is a collective practice and it requires self-acceptance, empathy, and consistency. By following these five steps you can become part of a community that is inclusive, supportive, and empowering. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and it is possible to build meaningful, satisfying relationships. Want more examples of how? This article Forming queer community: Lessons from a Retreat for Black Lesbians might shed some more light. Good luck out there!