How Queer Adults can Hold Boundaries During the Holidays
I’m going home to see my biological family this December and I know I’m going to need all the help I can get. I’m pretty lucky when it comes to having a supportive, warm family… and it can still be a lonely time for me as a queer woman. As a psychologist trained in behavior therapy, I’ve got some strategies I know I can come back to every year when holiday time comes, that make it easier for me to show up for my loved ones without feeling like I’m losing myself in the process. Read on for a list of tips and tricks for how to stay mindful during the holiday chaos, and we’ll all get through it together!
What Are Boundaries, and Why Do They Matter?
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, let’s get clear on what we mean by "boundaries." Boundaries are the invisible fences we set up so that we can protect our emotional, physical, and mental health. They tell others where our comfort zones are and help us prioritize our needs. They also make it REAL clear when people have crossed a line with us, and tell that person what to expect from us when it gets crossed.
During the holidays, boundaries become even more crucial because:
Family dynamics are under the microscope: Holiday stress plus existing tensions, and you’ve got a recipe for potential discomfort.
Expectations are high: For example, that you attend every gathering or put up with invasive questions. People may push limits without even realizing it.
Self-care is the last item on the list: Because more is expected of us, we can get drained.
Boundaries are your best ally for staying grounded. Go with me on this comparison: boundaries are kind of like your emotional GPS. They can guide you toward healthier interactions and help you avoid potholes. Potholes like unsolicited opinions from Uncle “Doesn’t Agree with Your Lifestyle.”
Pre-Holiday Prep
The key to maintaining boundaries during the holidays is making a plan in advance. It’s like meal-prepping, but instead of baked ziti, you’re serving up a hot dish of emotional resilience. In the type of therapy I practice, called DBT or dialectical behavior therapy, we call the skill for prepping in advance “Cope Ahead.” As in, figure out how you are going to cope with a stressful situation before it even starts.
1. Decide What Works for You
Start by clarifying what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Ask yourself:
Do I want to attend every gathering, or just a select few?
Are there topics of conversation (e.g., my relationship status or pronouns) that I’d prefer to avoid?
How much time am I willing to spend in certain spaces?
How much effort am I able to put towards each event?
Once you’ve identified your needs, it’s easier to communicate them.
2. Communicate Your Plans
A simple heads-up keeps your side of the street clean in interactions with your family and friends. For example:
“I’ll be joining for dinner, but I’ll need to leave by 8 PM.”
“I’m looking forward to seeing everyone, and I want to let you know in advance that I’d prefer not to get into [whatever topic you’re not going to discuss].”
Set expectations early. That way, you minimize surprises and create a clear roadmap for others to follow. You’re not in charge of whether or not they follow that roadmap. All you are responsible for is letting them know what to expect from you, and then firmly following through.
3. Have Scripts Ready
Holiday gatherings can sometimes feel like navigating a minefield of awkward conversations. Think about having some pre-planned ideas of what to say. It helps me stay calm and assertive if I already know just what words I want to use.
For nosy questions: “I appreciate your interest, and at the same time, let’s not discuss that right now.”
For declining invitations: “Thank you for inviting me. I’m trying to give my body the rest it needs, and so sadly I’m not going to make it.
For when you need a break: “Excuse me, I’m stepping out now for at little fresh air.”
Practice these scripts in front of a mirror if you need a confidence boost. You’ve got this!
Managing Gatherings in Real Time
The family dinner table can feel like battling it out in an escape room, especially when boundaries are tested. Here’s how to navigate tricky moments in a way you can be proud of later.
1. Anticipate Potential Triggers
Do certain relatives have a history of making inappropriate comments or asking invasive questions? Prepare for these scenarios ahead of time.
Scenario: A family member misgenders you.
Response: Calmly correct them and move on. “Actually, my pronouns are fae/fear. Thanks for remembering!”
Scenario: Someone jokes about your identity or relationship.
Response: Use humor or assertiveness to shut it down. “Wow, a hot take from 1995! Let me know if you get some new material.”
2. Mindful Pause
If someone says something upsetting, take a moment before responding. Take a beat. This pause allows you to regulate your emotions. From there, you can respond with intention rather than react with anger.
3. Bring Reinforcements
If possible, attend gatherings with someone who has your back. Shout out to my beloved best friend, whose friendly face makes all the difference in my ability to keep it together. Is there a supportive partner, friend, or sibling you can count on? Knowing that you have backup when you first enter the situation makes it much easier to stay patient. Plus, you can coordinate a “rescue signal” (e.g., tapping your glass or texting a code word) for when you need immediate extraction.
When Boundaries Are Tested
Even with the best planning, there’s always the chance that someone will test your limits. Here’s how to handle pushback like the CEO of Boundaries, Inc.
1. Stay Calm and Repeat Your Boundary
In DBT therapy we call this the “broken record technique.” It’s hard to argue or disrespect someone who is calmly repeating their exact words again. It can feel a little robotic to restate your same wording over and over. Find a way to politely and firmly repeat your point. For example:
“As I mentioned earlier, I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
“To repeat myself, I asked you not to try and hug me. Are you able to do that?”
Keep your tone calm and confident. You have every right to repeat your boundaries, and you are worth sticking up for, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel to do so.
2. Know When to Walk Away
What if a conversation becomes too intense? Or if someone refuses to respect your boundaries? In that case, you are entitled to step away.
“I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in a bit.”
“This isn’t okay and I’m leaving for a while.”
Walking away can feel like you “lost” a discussion. It’s just that it’s more important to hold onto your sense of self-worth than it is to “win” an argument or to prove that you are the one in the right. It’s more important to preserve your peace.
3. Take a timed break
Feeling overwhelmed? Step outside, go for a walk, or retreat to a quiet room. Maybe zone out on your phone for a moment. My strategy is to go find the house cats! Use this time mindfully. Breathe in deep, and feel your body. Visualize a safe space or focus on something that is soothing to you to reset your emotional state. If you can’t physically get away, one thing to try is re-orienting your focus onto something in front of you, whether that means counting ceiling tiles or trying to hold a sweet on your tongue until you feel it dissolve. These little '“brain breaks” can help you get out of a stressful situation for long enough for you to come back to yourself.
Holding onto Self-Care
Boundaries aren’t just about managing others. They’re also about taking care of yourself.
1. Prioritize You
The holidays can be hectic, so carve out moments for activities that recharge you. It can be Baldur’s Gate. It can be hand-painting a dirty word on an ornament. Release the guilt about prioritizing what makes you feel good. You are worthy of pleasure and rest. One option for holding onto your self-worth is to find a quality therapist, if you don’t have one already. Contact us here at Full Focus Therapy to get started. Many therapists have more flexibility over the holidays, so it doesn’t hurt to ask for an extra session or to move appointment times around so you have more time to plan.
2. Stay Connected to Chosen Family
If you have relatives in your life that make you feel overwhelming, lean on your chosen family. If your chosen family is stressing you out, reach out to your broader support network. If you enjoy hosting, a themed party around the worst Christmas movie you can find might be a funny option. Virtual hangouts with people you don’t get to see every day can remind you that you are seen and supported.
3. Celebrate Small Wins
Every time you uphold a boundary, celebrate it. Holding onto boundaries is hard work. Each little step gets your closer to protecting your well-being. Treat yourself like you are something special. What is rewarding to you? A cup of hot cocoa, a bubble bath, a round of karaoke? Pick something you enjoy and devote yourself to it for a time.
Creating an Exit Plan
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the best way to protect your peace is to walk away.
1. Pre-Arrange an Escape Route
Plan your transportation in advance so you can leave when you need to. If you drove yourself, great! Make sure you don’t get back in. If you don’t have transportations options yourself, have a friend on standby for a pickup or arrange a rideshare.
2. Exit with Grace
Leaving early doesn’t have to be dramatic. Try a simple, “Thanks so much for having me. I need to head out now, it’s been lovely.” Short and sweet can work perfectly. If you need to have a longer conversation about it later, that’s fine too.
3. Decompress
After leaving, take time to be DONE. Reflect on what went well and what you’d do differently next time. Maybe vent to someone who gets it. Use this as an opportunity to grow. And forgive yourself for still needing more time.
Boundaries As a Holiday Gift
Boundaries aren’t about being rigid or shutting people out. Instead, think of boundaries as attempts to protect your energy and to create space for genuine connections. The holidays can be tough, and that’s the reality. And, by setting clear limits, practicing self-care, and leaning on your support system, you can still find your own way through. Maybe there’s even room for confidence and grace.
So this year, give yourself the gift of boundaries. It’s the ultimate act of self-love, and trust me, you’re worth it. From one psychologist to another boundary-setting pro in the making: may your holidays be as peaceful, joyful, and true-to-you as possible!