How to Deepen Queer Friendships
In the queer community, friendships are a source of joy and a lifeline. They provide validation, support, and a sense of belonging that can be hard to find in our lives. This article explores how to strengthen LGBTQ+ friendships and form queer community, so that we can hold onto connections that are both meaningful and resilient.
Understanding the Dynamics of Queer Friendships
When I say “queer friendships” I’m picturing the first time I heard another bi woman describe how lonely she felt when she got ghosted by women she really liked once they found out she also dated men. I’ll never forget what happened to me hearing her say this. I felt it in my gut. This instinctual “she gets it, she gets it” feeling. Me too! The relief that she voiced it aloud! It was a sense of being understood, being seen. I knew right then I wanted her in my life. And it’s a friendship that has endured all manner of life changes and disagreements. I’m writing this article for her, and for all of us who struggle to hold onto friendships through the years.
In terms of the dictionary definition, I refer to “queer friendship” as the bonds formed between people who are part of the LGBTQ+ community. These friendships often have a deep understanding of shared experiences and challenges related to gender expression or sexual orientation. I differentiate these from friendships with and between heterosexual people, in order to honor the unique role queer friendships can play in affirming your identity and offering a safe space to express your full self.
The Importance of Deep Friendships
It’s difficult to stay motivated throughout the long journey of building a supportive network of queer friends. I offer these reminders of what meaningful, resilient relationships can offer you, if you do put in the time to nurture them. I’m talking about:
Emotional support
Confidence boosts and getting hyped
Good times
Bad times: they can have your back
Celebrating your identity
Understanding part of your struggle
Backup for when it’s hard to stay resilient
Buffer between you and the parts of the world that are cruel
Bullshit detection: some messages you need to hear can only be delivered by a true friend
Opportunities for you to care for someone else
Feeling chosen and important to someone
The list goes on!
Cultivate Meaningful Connections
If you want to explore how to meet new people in the first place, I’ll direct you to this article on how to make new queer friends. For more information on how to maintain those relationships over the long term, read on.
1. Get Real
Trust in the person that you have chosen you want to get close to. Build that trust by being open and transparent about as much of your life as you can share with them, when it feels right. Your experiences, feelings, and boundaries, the embarrassing moments and your deepest hopes: it’s all fair game. Make like it’s a sleepover back in the 90s and get deep with it. Authenticity breeds authenticity.
2. Hear Them Out
Take the time to truly hear and try to understand your friend’s perspective, especially when this differs from your own. Offer support and encouragement when needed. This is different than becoming a “yes man.” Although for people pleasers like me it can be difficult to hold our own in a disagreement, and we may be tempted to validate even the parts of our friend’s experience that we don’t actually agree with, when I say “validate” as part of this step, please know that I don’t mean “agree with whatever.” I mean, only validate what you yourself truly feel is valid- which may mean picking out what elements in their perspective you can find to agree with.
3. Provide Validation, Six Levels Deep
In DBT, we teach the six levels of validation, from simple active listening all the way down to seeing the full personhood of your friend and treating them with equality. Those levels are:
Listen to their words
Summarize back & ask if you got it right
Figure out what is NOT being said
Link their current emotion or situation to their past experiences; share how it makes sense that they feel this way now, given what happened to them in the past
Demonstrate that how they are feeling is valid, given their current situation
See them in their full humanity and treat them with full equality
4. Respect Boundaries and Consent
Issues of consent and bodily autonomy are often fraught for those of us in the LGBTQ+ community, especially given the current political climate in the US. You can avoid lots of fighting, hurt, and misunderstanding if you err on the side of caution when it comes to other peoples’ boundaries. And that is particularly true for the earlier stages of the relationship, when you may not know each other as well. Since this is easier said than done, some examples: ask for permission before sharing their personal information, find out how they do and don’t like to be touched, and keep their comfort level in mind.
5. Nurture Friendships
Friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. They require ongoing communication and effort in order to thrive. Your friends are worth making an effort. What is the easiest way for you to consistently stay in touch with your friends? One account I saw on TikTok talked about doing a Wednesday Waffle, when they share video messages with their friends recounting their weeks every Wednesday. I’m not talking about weeklong vacations, as supremely blissful as those can be. Even small gestures of thoughtfulness can go a long way in strengthening the connections between you and your friends.
6. Plan Activities and Outings
How much time do you spend together before an acquaintance starts to feel like a friend? “At the least intimate type of friendship, the chance of identifying someone as a ‘casual friend’ rather than an acquaintance is greater than 50% when individuals spend about 43 hours together in the first 3 weeks after meeting.” That’s according to Jeffrey Hall and his 2019 article “How many hours does it take to make a friend?”
If his results are correct, it takes about as much time to move an acquaintance into “casual friend” territory as it takes to do a part time job. I can’t speak for you, but I don’t know how feasible that is in my own life. In adulthood, friendship time is much more spread out than in Jeffrey Hall’s sample of college students. Still, the message is clear: if you want a close bond, you’ve got to put in the hours in whatever way you can. Shared experiences don’t just happen. It requires effort to plan activities with your friends regularly. Whether it's grabbing dimsum, attending a concert, or taking a weekend road trip, spending quality time together strengthens your connection and creates lasting memories.
7. Offer Support and Validation During the Tough Times
How do you treat your friends when neither of you are having fun? Let’s talk about what to do during the bad times. Divorces or loss, embarrassing hookups or work stress; if you want a friendship that lasts over the years, there will be painful times to weather. Lean on the validation skills I described above in order to offer them support. It’s going to look different for each person; are they someone who wants physical affection when they cry? Are they someone who hates being distracted from their situation, and needs time to wallow? Lean on your best understanding of what brings them comfort, and try to make it happen.
8. Resolve Conflicts and Misunderstandings Face to Face
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and oh how it makes us people pleasers tremble. When disagreements or misunderstandings do happen with a friend, start a conversation with them about it from the perspective of empathy and openness. Before you voice your own concerns, hear them out without judgment. Listening on its own is not going to be enough. You also need to find a way to communicate your needs and your emotions assertively. That’s the step I most want to skip! That said, by addressing conflicts head-on, you can strengthen your bond and deepen your friendship with each other.
Deepening queer friendships starts from a foundation of vulnerability and mutual respect. Without those two elements, none of the tips I listed above will do you all that much good. Support each other's growth, try to communicate openly, and practice validation. These are all key components of a strong friendship.
I encourage you to put in the active work to deepen your queer friendships. Start from a place of honesty, spend shared time together, and hold onto empathy and respect when conflicts come up. With those tools, and a qualified LGBTQ+ friendly therapist in your corner to hold you accountable to your own personal growth goals, a lifetime of queer friendship love awaits.