Am I Bi? How to start exploring bisexuality
Exploring your sexuality is a deeply personal and transformative journey. For those beginning to dip a toe in bisexual identity, this process can be daunting. Bisexuality, meaning attraction to more than one gender, exists on a spectrum and it varies widely from one person to another. This article aims to provide support and resources for people who are starting to explore the B in LGBTQ+, helping us navigate our bisexual stories together with confidence and self-assurance.
Busting Myths about Bisexuality
When I say “bisexuality” I mean having the capacity for romantic and/or sexual attraction to more than one gender. Biseuxality includes trans and gender non-conforming people, and has since at least 1990, when a bi magazine in the US called Anything that Moves made the declaration “Do not assume… that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.” Equal levels of attraction to all genders is not a prerequisite. Nor does bisexuality have to include attraction to all possible genders. Many people use bi+, to indicate a grouping together of all people who experience attraction to more than one gender. Another common misconception is that bisexuality is a phase or temporary. However, the truth is that bisexuality is a valid and enduring sexual orientation.
Bisexual Identity
Sexual orientation is not a black-and-white concept but a spectrum. You might find that your attraction shifts over time or in different contexts, because this is one of the natural elements of human sexuality. Understanding that sexual attraction can be fluid helps in accepting and embracing your evolving feelings. Please do not feel that you have to choose one label that fits you perfectly forever. Having flexibility and making space for yourself to grow and change is only going to help you.
Ready to dive in? Here are some tips for where to start looking for more information as you explore this part of yourself.
Self-Reflection and Acceptance
Take time to consider your personal history of attractions and romantic or sexual feelings. What are the patterns? Go slow and be kind to yourself throughout this reflection. There doesn’t have to be a clear answer or obvious pattern. What you are trying to do is allow yourself the space to explore without judgment or pressure, and remember that understanding your sexuality is a process that takes the time it takes. Start your exploration of sexuality from a place of accepting yourself for each one of these feelings, regardless of how the relationship worked out or whether you acted on them. Guilt or embarrassment might naturally show up at this step, and that’s to be expected. In DBT we talk about figuring out whether guilt or shame is justified before figuring out how to deal with it. Guilt and embarrassment are justified if you’ve hurt someone or acted against your values. If you feel shame or guilt based just on the person that you are, the attraction that you feel, or the fact that you exist, that is not justified. So for this step, if those emotions do come up for you, notice them, allow yourself to feel them, and then see what else comes up. Reflecting on your past experiences and relationships can reveal patterns or insights, and that’s necessary info to have.
Techniques for Self-Exploration
You have different options for what this reflection can look like. Journaling is my old standby, and it can be a tool for self-discovery. Meditation can also help you get focused. Talking these feelings over with someone who knows you well can be a big help too. While it is ultimately up to you what you discover, speaking with someone who knows you may offer insight about yourself that you did not at first notice.
Get Out of the Vacuum and Into the Community
Reflecting alone about yourself is a crucial step, but it is just the first. No part of our identities (queerness included) exists in a vacuum, and connecting with others who share similar experiences can be validating. Look for support groups that are local to you or online, where you can hear from others and their experiences. You can’t get the sense of belonging and understanding from a community if you only ever think about your sexuality in isolation.
Being bisexual can be incredibly isolating. You may not feel like you belong perfectly in some queer spaces given the very real threat of biphobia that happens in the LGBTQ+ community. Likewise, the straight world may not be entirely welcoming to you either. That’s why listening to others who are also walking this path can be incredibly validating. It’s still slim pickings when it comes to media representation for bisexual people, although there are certainly more explicitly bi characters on television and in movies now than in recent memory. When I want a feel-good bisexual story for a quick pick-me-up, I go to Crazy Ex Girlfriend, and in particular the episode where lovable goof, Darryl, played by Pete Gardner, sings “G-G-G-Gettin’ Bi!” Movieweb has a good roundup of beloved bisexual characters on TV, including a few notable portrayals by people of color. Many cities have bi+ meetup groups or clubs through LGBTQ+ community centers to check out, in order to find other bi people near where you live. Follow bisexual activists, join some groups, and speak up in discussions that resonate with your experiences. Sharing your personal experiences can offer insight and comfort, backing up the idea that you are not alone.
Overcoming Internalized Biphobia
Internalized biphobia, those negative perspectives about bisexuality we absorb from societal attitudes, can be a big barrier here. I can speak to this a bi woman, because for women who date men there’s already a culture and a stereotype that men will disappoint you, or not be enough for you, or not be able to meet your romantic and sexual needs. So we get this message that dissatisfaction in your relationships with men is the standard, and that can keep you from wanting to try dating other genders, because you don’t realize that you can have a partner you are more attracted to.
Education and Resources
We can counter these negative beliefs once we realize they are out there by finding positive representations of bisexuality and teaching ourselves about the history of the queer community. It’s like homework, but fun? Well, it was fun for me. One book I really loved was Queer: A Graphic History by academic and activist Meg John Barker. It’s a graphic novel that communicates need-to-know parts of queer history in visuals that kept my attention. Remember throughout this process that your feelings of attraction to multiple genders are valid and deserve recognition.
June is Pride Month, and what a time if you are starting to explore bisexuality! Many cities host pride events and some gatherings that are bi-specific. Check out national organizations like GLAAD, The Trevor Project, and PFLAG that offer resources and events that support bisexual people. I hope to see you at the march!
A therapist, particularly one who is LGBTQ+ friendly and specifically bi-affirming, can be a valuable ally in your journey. Therapy provides a safe space to address your concerns and develop strategies for self-acceptance and growth. Organizations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offer support specifically for LGBTQ+ people. You can also reach out to us here at Full Focus Therapy to find bi-affirming care.
Taking Pride in Your Identity
Sharing the details about your sexual orientation is a personal decision and you can do it on your own terms. There are as many coming out stories as there are queer people. You decide when you're ready. One tip I have is to start with someone you trust and feel safe around. Be honest about your feelings and be prepared for a range of reactions. Again, coming back to DBT skills, you want to prepare ahead of time for whatever reaction they have. How are you going to recharge after that conversation? If the conversation goes poorly, whom or what can you rely on to bring you back to feeling like yourself? Make sure you have access to that person or to that activity or coping skill ahead of time. No matter what kind of response you get, it does not change that your feelings are valid and that this is one important part of who you are.
Exploring Dating and Different Types of Relationships
Your identity doesn't dictate the type of relationship you can have. Bi people can be monogamous, polyamorous, involved in consensual non-monogamy; it’s all on the table. If you do want to have a romantic relationship, what's important is that you set it up in a way that feels right for you. Explore what types of relationships align best with your values and your desires. Dating apps can be a great way to meet potential partners. They can also be a minefield. You want to look for apps that are inclusive and have options for indicating bisexuality. The tricky part is that in order to find what you want and not get lost in a feedback loop of unsatisfying connections, you have to know what it is that you want, and that does take some experimenting. Again, come back to taking your time, and being kind to yourself when what you want changes over time.
Dealing with Roadblocks
We already talked about biphobia, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. There might be misunderstandings, stereotypes about bisexual people, or partners who will not want to explore this with you. That’s why there’s no replacement for having people in your corner who respect and affirm your bisexuality. You can check your gut reactions out, and have support in navigating all of these changes.
Be You
Exploring bisexuality is a personal journey with huge potential for growth. It does not have to be daunting. It can be a path of self-discovery and acceptance. By reflecting on your feelings, seeking education and support, and prioritizing your mental and emotional health, you can navigate this journey with confidence. You are very much not alone in this. Remember that bisexuality is valid and can be one beautiful part of who you are. Embrace it and celebrate it!