Navigating Parenting as a Bisexual Person
For bisexual people, the experience of parenting comes with its own unique set of challenges and joys. This article aims to address some of the specific needs and experiences of bisexual parents. My goal is to amplify bisexual stories and to provide bisexual parents with support, solidarity, and the resources to navigate their parenting journey confidently and proudly.
I use the word bisexuality to mean the capacity to be attracted to more than one gender. This attraction can be romantic, sexual, or emotional. Bisexuality is, of course, a legitimate and distinct sexual orientation, not a passing phase. I’m lumping all bisexual people together for the purposes of sharing this information. The truth is more complicated; sexual orientation exists on a spectrum, and everyone’s experience of it is different. Bisexuality itself can be fluid. You can experience varying degrees of attraction to different genders at different times. So the first recommendation I have is to embrace the fluidity, release the pressure to fit into rigid labels, and let go of any shame or embarrassment for having an identity that changes as the years go by. We’re all doing the best we can with the information we have at the time, and if you previously thought you were straight and are now contending with a new concept around your sexual identity, you are in good company!
How many bisexual people are interested in becoming parents, and how many bisexual people already are parents? The research suggests that parenting among bisexual individuals is very common. That baseline comes from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health & Behavior. Data from that survey showed that “for bisexual adults under the age of 60 years, 24% of men and 49% of women lived with at least one child under the age of 18 years.”
In fact, “the proportion of bisexual women with a child under the age of 5 years old in their household was higher than that of heterosexual women.” This comes from a 2016 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, called “Paths to Parenthood Among Self-Identified Bisexual Individuals in the United States.” For most bisexual people, their children are genetically related to them, rather than children from adoption, fostering, or stepchildren.
Paths to Parenthood for Bisexual People
How do bisexual people typically become parents? Again, this can look a million different ways. Bisexual people are having children through assisted reproductive technologies (ART) like donor insemination, in vitro fertilization, and surrogacy, adoption, fostering, raising stepchildren, and conceiving through intercourse. Similarly, there is no one way to structure raising their children, with bisexual people co-parenting with current or previous partners, locally or long-distance, with part or full custody. Of course, some meet their children later on in life, through marriage or adoption.
Navigating Adoption, Surrogacy, and Other Family-Building Options
If you're thinking of building your family through adoption, surrogacy, or other ART methods, you have probably already started doing some research into your different options. Some of these paths have specific legal considerations for LGBTQ+ parents. Start with orgs that specialize in queer family planning. For a master list of queer parenting blogs, national resources, support groups, and directories, this article on “11 Resources That Support Queer Parents and Families” is a great jumping-off point.
In the “Paths to Parenthood'' article I mentioned above, the researchers interviewed several bisexual people with children about how they addressed the decision not to have other children. Some of the participants they spoke with listed common reasons to avoid having kids, like health concerns, or the age of their partner. One of the people interviewed dealt with ovarian cysts and endometriosis, and spoke about her only child as a ‘‘miracle child.’’ Another was worried about passing on genetic health conditions to her children. A third, who was genderqueer, had been taking hormone replacement therapy as part of transitioning their gender, and knew that it might impact their fertility. And another described their ambivalence and a feeling of being pulled in multiple directions. This participant shared ‘‘I do have major baby fever but I’m trying to stop myself because it’s a bad idea, I’m overwhelmed as it is.”
Communicating with Your Children About Your Sexuality
The goal is to talk to your children about sexual orientation and help them understand your identity in an age-appropriate manner. Many bisexual people put off this conversation, some fearing the awkwardness around identifying as a sexual person at all around their kids. For others, their sexual orientation is a nonissue, shared from the beginning as one more innocuous detail about them. Younger children may need simpler explanations, starting perhaps with the idea that their parent loves lots of different types of people. Older children can handle more detailed conversations, and may benefit from you sharing your own journey in understanding your bisexuality and the obstacles you face in your own life.
The key thing to communicate to your children is that love and attraction can occur between any genders. Hearing them out when they come to you with questions can help you create an environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts. Model sharing your own vulnerabilities in order to encourage open, honest conversations, including the idea of diversity in sexual orientation and relationships. The difficulty I find in sharing this idea with kids is to balance being truthful with being age-appropriate. I worry that I’m missing educational opportunities and important moments when I don’t know what to say, so I recommend planning out how you might put these ideas into words they’d understand before they ask. Talking about bisexuality with them can help them develop an inclusive and accepting mindset.
Addressing Prejudice from Friends or Society
Another tricky thing for bisexual parents to navigate is the cultural framework around families, in all of its heteronormative glory. Your kids might get questions about their parent's bisexuality or hear prejudiced and bigoted ideas. One tactic to help them navigate societal pressure is to emphasize over and over again the importance of kindness and courage in standing up against discrimination, so that they don’t associate other people’s perceptions with shame. Other people’s prejudices are not about your family, and not about your kids. Preparing your family ahead of time with simple, affirming responses can help them deal with these situations with confidence.
Related to that idea, there are particular gendered stereotypes that different bisexual people face. When it comes to the choice to have kids, bisexual men may feel pressure from their families or cultures to father children as a way to fulfill traditional expectations of masculinity or “family values.” Similarly, bisexual women may be told that they will “grow out of” their sexual orientation when the urge to have kids hits them, playing into stereotypes that heterosexuality is “more grown up” or more permanent than bisexuality. As a parent, you will be navigating societal expectations of you that can hurt, while at the same time being responsible for helping your kids as they become aware of that pressure.
Modeling Acceptance and Self-Love
You might feel like you have to be a role model for what bisexuality means to your children, and that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself. You are not always going to have the ability to put your experience into words in the “right way” or handle complications the way you’d like. Releasing the judgments you have of yourself, and releasing the idea that there is a perfect way to do this, shows a level of self-love and self-acceptance that is a powerful lesson to teach your kids over the long term. Demonstrating acceptance of your own mistakes teaches your children self-respect. That goes a long way towards showing them that all forms of love are valid, starting with self-love.
Navigating Relationships and Community
Whether you are in a monogamous relationship with a co-parenting partner, in an open relationship, or navigating the dating world on your own, it can be a nightmare to balance romantic relationships with parenting responsibilities. Whatever your romantic life looks like, I want to emphasize the importance of being open and being clear about your needs and your boundaries. The phrase I use to motivate myself when I’m tempted to avoid a hard conversation is “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” What does this look like when you talk with the people you date, and what does it look like when you talk with your children? Keep in mind that human attraction is fluid, and don’t beat yourself up if you are trying to communicate big changes in yourself without fully understanding them yourself. There is no perfect way to phrase complicated experiences like changes in attraction, and you don’t have to phrase it “the right way,” especially not the first time you bring it up to your kids or your partner, or really to anyone. When deciding how much of this part of your life you want to share with your children, err on the side of being clear with them.
Finding Inclusive Activities and Events
What can you do together as a family that celebrates diversity and inclusivity? Many LGBTQ+ orgs host family-friendly events. This kind of welcoming environment emphasizes for your children that they are part of a broader community that embraces their family structure.
Taking Pride in Your Identity
Your bisexual identity and the milestones in your life are worth celebrating. If you skip acknowledging your journey, the challenges you've overcome, and the progress you've made, you can cheapen those moments and cheat yourself of well-deserved pride. These celebrations can reinforce your sense of self and strengthen your dedication to live as your full self.
Of the many paths to becoming a parent that a bisexual person can take, each one comes with unique challenges and incredible perks. By fostering clear communication, building supportive networks, and making the time for self-care, you can navigate the parenting journey a little more easily. Speaking of self-care, one of the best ways you can care for your mental health as a bisexual parent is to make sure you have an LGBTQ+ friendly therapist in your corner. I want to celebrate your bisexuality and the beautiful expansiveness it brings to your family. Know that you are paving the way for a more inclusive and accepting world for your kids to live in.