Chosen family: Forming queer community
In the journey of acceptance and self-discovery, finding a sense of belonging is critical for LGBTQ+ individuals. Traditional family structures may not always provide the support and understanding we all deserve. Many of us within the queer community turn to what is known as the chosen family to cultivate those bonds. This article dives into the profound significance of creating a chosen family in forming queer community. Let’s explore how these relationships contribute to the mental health and well-being of LGBTQ+ people.
Understanding Chosen Family
A chosen family refers to a network of people who provide love, support, and affirmation akin to what is traditionally associated with biological family. I want to be clear that for many queer individuals, the members of their families of origin are supportive and affirming. Let’s take a moment to honor the parents and siblings, grandparents and cousins, step-siblings and bio-dads, who stand in solidarity with their queer relatives and show them affection and care. We know that this is not a universal experience for queer people. That’s where “chosen family” comes in.
Unlike traditional family structures that are commonly built on biological connections or formal adoption processes, a chosen family is not dependent on a legally recognized format. Chosen families are built on shared experiences, acceptance of your authentic self, and mutual respect. The dynamics of chosen families are typically characterized by flexibility and inclusivity, allowing people to cultivate connections based on shared identities, values, and interests. These bonds can transcend biological ties. They also provide a safe haven where LGBTQ+ individuals can freely express themselves without the risk of rejection or judgment. Nina Jackson Levin, Shanna Kattari, Emily Piellusch, and Erica Watson explore how building bonds with chosen family “subverts, rejects, or overrides” the assumed superiority of the family of origin. Their article, called “We Just Take Care of Each Other”: Navigating ‘Chosen Family’ in the Context of Health, Illness, and the Mutual Provision of Care amongst Queer and Transgender Young Adults,” was published in 2020 in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. It takes a deep dive into the source and impact of chosen families on modern-day queer communities.
So, where does the term “chosen family” come from? Anthropologist Kath Weston’s book Families We Choose: Lesbians, Gays, Kinship played a central role in developing this term. Weston spoke about how chosen families became so important for queer individuals, who “often experienced distance or rejection from their families of origin.” Weston published her book in 1991, in the wake of the AIDS crisis that swept through the queer community. Viewing her work within the context of this devastation, we understand how crucial chosen families were in keeping queer people alive, and in ensuring they were treated respectfully after their passing. The concept of chosen family originates from the need for queer people to create their own support system in the face of social stigma and rejection. The concept evolved over time, but at its root, it is about LGBTQ+ people supporting each other when the world does not.
The Significance of Chosen Family
Chosen family plays a pivotal role in the lives of many queer people. It can offer a sense of belonging and validation, and for many of us, it serves as a sacred space where we can be our full selves without having to conceal or compromise on any part. This support is particularly crucial for younger adults as they figure out their identities and seek acceptance in a world that does not always make space for their authentic selves.
One of the primary benefits of a chosen family is mitigating the impact of the minority stress that LGBTQ+ individuals commonly experience. By surrounding themselves with a supportive and affirming network, queer people can find solace and solidarity in their chosen family groups. It is a strong antidote to the loneliness that comes with being a member of a minority group that even your family of origin may not be a part of. On top of that, chosen family relationships can build resilience by empowering individuals with models of how to address the microaggressions and stigma of everyday life as a queer person with greater confidence or strength. That’s not to say that every chosen family handles these stressors perfectly every time. I want to be careful to avoid idealizing a chosen family, because ultimately, any support network is going to be made up of flawed, imperfect people. What I want to highlight here is the way chosen family networks inherently provide solidarity and modeling of how other people in their situation handle things.
One example of how a chosen family might help build resilience in the face of minority stress comes from the 2020 article I referenced above. Levin, Kattari, Piellusch, and Watson detail how a chosen family can help you navigate medical systems together. The reality for LGBTQ+ people is that there are significant barriers to getting quality medical care. Queer people may face discrimination or refusals to provide care. Participants in this study reported “encounters with practitioners who prohibit their partners from joining them at office visits, avoid eye contact, make assumptions about their sexuality and gender, put their bodies on display without consent, and a bevy of other horrifying concerns.” One member chose to skip getting the medical care they need altogether, saying “I have avoided medical appointments because I have a lot of institutional trauma and experiences of institutional harm.” This is where having a chosen family comes in handy. Participants reported “bringing a chosen family member with them to appointments and procedures to serve as an advocate; or soliciting insider knowledge from a whisper network of queer chosen family and community members who pre-vetted various providers.” In this way, having the support system of a chosen family can help you navigate the many, many pitfalls of the American medical system.
How Can a Chosen Family Enhance Mental Well-Being?
These relationships provide a sense of belonging, emotional validation, and solidarity that are essential for maintaining mental health. Chosen family networks can create a sanctuary for healing and growth, one where individuals are allowed or encouraged to process painful past experiences, explore identity, and cultivate self-acceptance. Research has shown that LGBTQ+ individuals who have strong support networks, including chosen family, experience lower levels of depression, anxiety, and psychological distress. One study, published by Jamal Hailey, Whitney Burton and Joyell Arscott, listed some of the rewards of chosen families. Their article, “We Are Family: Chosen and Created Families as a Protective Factor Against Racialized Trauma and Anti-LGBTQ Oppression Among African American Sexual and Gender Minority Youth,” was published in the Journal of GLBT Family Studies in 2020. They reported that “participants routinely highlighted the benefit of having a network of people who understood their sexual and gender experiences, and who also understood the experience of being rejected from their families of origin.” Notably, seven qualitative studies discussed the benefit of having peer support and support from chosen and created family parents or community leaders.
Hailey, Burton and Arscott spoke to the uniquely Black experience of forming chosen families, teasing out how this looks different for different queer communities. They found that specifically for Black queer adolescents, having a queer chosen family can “provide a sense of personal and community pride, history, and lineage,” and that members of their chosen families helped them “cope with multiple minority identities.” They paid particular attention to the ballroom scene, a foundational part of Black queer life. They spoke about the importance of joining houses within the ballroom scene, which are often structured as family units, in order to express themselves fully and find affirmation for their identities.
Rather than ignoring some of the pitfalls, they also acknowledged how having a queer chosen family, like any family, may teach unhealthy coping behaviors. It’s not that chosen families are only ever helpful; I appreciate the way they discussed some of the less than healthy aspects as well. Conflicts, breakdown in communications, unhealthy power dynamics, and even verbal or physical abuse may develop within these networks, just like with any other network. It is essential that we don’t idealize the concept of chosen family past the point that we can recognize and acknowledge it if it has become unhealthy, or actively harmful.
How to Strengthen a Chosen Family Network
Nurturing chosen family connections requires time, effort, and vulnerability. It is a green flag if you feel you can authentically express yourself and feel accepted. Opportunities for connection and camaraderie can be found online or in person, perhaps by participating in LGBTQ+ events, support groups, potluck dinners, or social media. You can read more about where to start in the article 5 steps to friendship: Forming queer community. Once you find people whom you might want to build closer relationships with, building your skills of active listening, extending empathy, and navigating conflict resolution can reinforce bonds. Celebrating milestones and shared experiences can strengthen the sense of solidarity and belonging.
In conclusion, a chosen family can play a vital role in the lives of LGBTQ+ individuals, offering affirmation, support, and love in a world that does not always provide those things to us. By cultivating chosen family connections, queer people can build stronger, more resilient communities where we get to thrive.