DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is a powerful tool created to help people manage their emotions and relationships. One of its essential techniques, the FAST skill, is particularly helpful for people with a pattern of prioritizing others' needs over their own. The habit of people-pleasing often leads to emotional burnout and reduces self-worth. Especially for queer individuals, this pattern can be deepened by societal pressures and the desire for acceptance in a heteronormative world. This guide will detail how the FAST skill can help queer people maintain their self-respect and combat the pattern of people-pleasing.

Understanding People-Pleasing Behavior

When I talk about people-pleasing, what I mean is feeling the overwhelming desire to satisfy others and neglecting one's own needs and well-being in order to do that. It is not a problem to take care of each other and to put other people first. That is how we build loving communities and a sense of belonging for ourselves. But it can become a problem when it becomes a reflex to say yes to others, and when submitting to their needs feels unavoidable. How can you tell when this behavior gets out of control? This can be a part of your experience if you have trouble turning people or projects down, a fear of conflict, a history of ignoring your own needs, or regularly agreeing to do things that later you feel overwhelmed by. Lots of people get trapped into people-pleasing because they enjoy the high of agreeing to someone else and feeling capable of meeting their needs- only to take on too much and then punish themselves for not being able to take care of everything perfectly. 

Tendencies towards people-pleasing often go along with being a perfectionist. In their article on perfectionism for the Encyclopedia of Adolescence, Joachim Stoeber and Julian Childs talk about “perfectionistic concerns,” one dimension of perfectionism. According to their definition, perfectionistic concerns include “concerns over mistakes, doubts about actions, concern over others’ evaluation of one’s performance, and feelings of discrepancy between one’s expectations and performance.” I believe those concerns are a common source of people-pleasing.

As these authors explore, the people-pleasing side of perfectionism can lead to stress and burnout, and can become a powerful obstacle to personal fulfillment. In teens, they found that these people-pleasing behaviors “are associated with higher levels of fear of failure, stress, depression, anxiety,” as well as physical complaints. This makes it crucial to address properly. Especially so for LGBTQ+ people, who show “greater perfectionism traits compared to heterosexual individuals,” according to a 2024 study entitled “Romantic relationship obsessive-compulsive doubts, perfectionism, and DSM-5 personality traits in LGB people: a comparison with heterosexual individuals.”

Introduction to the FAST Skill

The FAST skill in DBT is an acronym that stands for:

F: be Fair

A: no Apologies

S: Stick to values

T: be Truthful

Is it my favorite acronym in DBT? Not at all. I see how frustrating it can be when the acronyms don’t make intuitive sense. And yet, here we are, trying to adapt this skill and make it work. Let’s radically accept that this is the acronym we have to work with, and not get hung up on which letters go where. 

This skill is part of the Interpersonal Effectiveness module of DBT, which focuses on relationships. There are skills for getting what you want from other people, skills for deepening bonds with other people, and skills for holding onto self-respect when dealing with other people. FAST is designed for that last point. How do you feel about yourself after an interaction is over? With the FAST technique, you can build healthier relationships while still holding on to your own wants and needs. For people-pleasers, it provides a step-by-step of how to prioritize yourself when you are tempted to prioritize others, no matter the cost. It’s the tool I reach for in my own life when I need to balance my needs with those of others, only without compromising my well-being. 

The FAST Skill in Action

1. Be Fair

How do you feel about yourself, in the long term? Keep this question in mind when considering the Be Fair step of the FAST skill. If you consistently take advantage of other people, or you go in the opposite direction and consistently submit to others at the cost of your own mental health, it amounts to the same thing: you end up not liking yourself very much. For many people, as children we develop an innate sense of when others are taking advantage of us, or when justice is not being served. Kids will tell you right away when you have violated this principle, often by belting out a heartfelt “that’s not fair!” 

This step asks us to consider the situation with a sense of fairness as adults. Living in tune with what is “fair” is enormously difficult, given the very unfair systems we often live and operate in. At the same time, it’s not impossible. “Being fair” means treating yourself and others as equals, with equal respect. For example, if one of your friends constantly relies on you for support but never picks up the phone when you text or reach out, it’s fair to acknowledge that and stick up for yourself. In this example, you can validate what is true for your friend, while also spending time validating what is true for you. You might explain that while you value their friendship and enjoy being there for them, you are also going through something difficult or have stress of your own you want help with. Before you respond to your friend, check in with yourself and say, is there a pattern here? Have I been giving and giving and giving to this person, without getting much in return?

2. No Apologies 

Many times people-pleasers find themselves apologizing excessively, even when they are not at fault. Apologizing over and over again can undermine your self-worth. We don’t need to apologize for being alive. Nor for making a reasonable request. Nor for having an opinion. Nor for disagreeing with someone. When we overdo it with apologizing, people might walk away with the impression that we are always in the wrong, or can’t stand up for ourselves. To apply this step in the FAST skill, practice figuring out which apologies are necessary, and which are not. The DBT rule of thumb is that if you have genuine, deep guilt for having hurt someone, an apology is necessary. If you don’t feel that way, and no one has actually been harmed, an apology may not be necessary.

You might be in the habit of saying “sorry, I’m sorry” without even thinking about it first. I know I am! How many times have I caught myself in an endless “I’m so sorry!” loop? Sometimes I even apologize for apologizing excessively. And it’s not helpful. For instance, when I show up late to a Zoom meeting, a simple acknowledgment would probably be sufficient. I have to block the flow of verbalizing excessive self-blame. Only apologizing when I really mean it builds confidence. The No Apologies step reduces the chances that you will be taken advantage of.

3. Stick to Values

This step is about staying true to yourself, even in the face of opposition. It is a particularly vital tool for LGBTQ+ people, who may face pressure to conform to societal norms that conflict with our fundamental identity. It comes in handy in situations where you are tempted to go with the flow, to bend and adapt to a larger culture or a particularly directive person. Instead of just telling yourself not to cave in, and then berating yourself when you are unable to avoid that, start by clearly defining your values. 

For instance: in a conflict with a coworker where they said something homophobic, reframe “I have to stand up to them even when I’m terrified” to “My value is honesty, and I would not be honest with myself if I let this go and pretend that this didn’t matter to me, so I’m justified in bringing this up.” Sometimes it is easier to stand up for our values than to stand up for ourselves. The closer you can adhere to your values, the more your integrity and self-respect are reinforced. The key to this step in the FAST skill is sticking to your OWN values, not anyone else’s. You can’t uphold what is important to you, unless you are clear on what that is. 

This important part of the FAST skill can also be extremely useful in your search for a mental health provider especially if you are looking for provider who shares your values like an LGBTQ+ Friendly Therapist.

4. Be Truthful

When we talk about truth in DBT, it can get complicated, because part of the guiding philosophy is that there is no one clear truth. What we really mean is communicating honestly, without exaggeration or glaring omissions. Fears of rejection or judgment can get in the way for us people-pleasers. That said, honesty is necessary if we want genuine relationships. I think the lie we tell ourselves in people-pleasing mode is that people will like us better if we always give them what they want. The thought is: who would be angry or disappointed or abandon me, if they could always count on me to give in to them and say yes? I say that this is a lie because no amount of smiling or giving in to people will ensure that they stick around. In fact, giving people the sense that we never advocate for ourselves and never take our own needs seriously might be what drives them away. When we use people-pleasing to keep people close, the hard truth is that it can often push them farther away. This step is about being true to ourselves- remembering even in the heat of the moment, even when we are drawn to old patterns of giving in, that we matter on our own, and we don’t have to make up a lie or an easy excuse in order to stand up for ourselves. Truthfulness strengthens self-esteem and is part of creating a supportive network of relationships.

People-Pleasing and the FAST Skill

One common barrier to using the FAST skill that my clients often come up against- and I do too- is that you set out at the start of a conversation determined to use this skill, only to cave under pressure. How do you hold onto your self-worth in the heat of the moment? How do you remember all of these steps? My first piece of advice, perhaps inevitably, will be to practice it. There is no substitute for repeating these steps across different avenues in your life. And there will always be more people to stand up to or more ways we are called to advocate for ourselves! We cannot get better at releasing people-pleasing without getting some time practicing people-displeasing, if you will, or put another way, self-pleasing.

Another option: I shared above that this was not my favorite acronym to teach or to use. Perhaps a little rearranging would position this acronym as a more helpful memory aide in the heat of the moment? I would offer up SELF as an acronym rather than FAST. Same skills, different order.

Instead of: 

F: be fair

A: no apologies

S: stick to values

T: be truthful

What if we had:

S: Stick to values 

E: Exact facts only (same as be truthful above)

L: Lay off the apologies

F: Find what’s fair

Whatever order you put these tools in, and whether you go by the book and call it the FAST skill or you go rogue with me and call it the SELF skill, what is important is that by being fair, reducing unnecessary apologies, sticking to values, and being truthful, you can build healthier relationships and enhance your sense of self-worth. Use this skill when you want to prioritize self-respect and assertiveness, and bear in mind that support is available if needed. If you want that support to come from a DBT therapist, you can get in touch with us here on the contact page.